Instructor: Dr. Lalia Hekima Kiburi
Spring Quarter 2014
Blog Question #4
By
Bob Strauss
ADDITIONAL INFO AT ARTICLE: http://www.match.com/magazine/article.aspx?ArticleID=11707
Here’s modern life for you: Only a few generations ago, a devout Presbyterian would think long and hard before bringing home an (gasp!) Episcopalian to meet her folks. Today, though, interfaith dating has become so common that your new love interest would have to snack on sprouted gerber-daisy seeds (as per the scriptures of the First Intergalactic Church of Macrobiology) to so much as raise your friends’ eyebrows.
That said, though, dating a person with nonmainstream beliefs does present its own set of challenges, such as how to field questions from curious relatives and how to settle in your own mind just how “out there” (or intergalactic) a belief system you’re willing to put up with. Here’s what the experts have to say:
Be honest with yourself. First, see if you can accept your new partner’s belief system. “The key is to figure out whether you disagree with his or her beliefs or disapprove of those beliefs,” says Micah Sachs, managing editor of InterfaithFamily.com. “If you disapprove, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to find long-term happiness with this person. If you disagree, then there is the possibility of a good outcome. A successful relationship doesn’t require two people to agree on everything; it’s more important that they share values, goals and chemistry.” But if, when you are truly honest with yourself, you find that you disapprove, then you are probably best parting ways.
Prepare
your family.
If you’re terrified of what Mom and Dad will think about your Scientologist
girlfriend, Dr. Wayne (a psychologist who’s currently dating someone with
nontraditional beliefs and would rather not divulge his last name when speaking
of the matter) says: “If your partner’s beliefs have the potential for
misunderstanding, tell your family privately and one-on-one. Don’t put your
prospective mate in the position of having to defend him- or herself!” On the
other hand, Dr. Wayne adds, “A person with nontraditional beliefs has probably
gotten used to inconsiderate people” and is likely to be unfazed by skeptical
questions from your grandmother. But do make sure you have your date’s back if
a relative goes for the jugular; a simple, “How about that economy, huh?”
should change the topic of conversation quickly.
Be discreet about the details. The odds are you aren’t seeing your new beau because he belongs to the League of the Infernal Wombat (though, hopefully, you aren’t simply tolerating him despite that fact). That’s why Micah Sachs advises, “When you introduce your new partner to your friends, ask yourself this question: What details would you divulge about yourself if you were meeting people for the first time? You probably wouldn’t talk about your religion or your particular eating habits, so why should you reveal these things about your new sweetie?”
Don’t assume religion always has to be a source of conflict… “The word ‘nontraditional’ is a matter of perspective,” Dr. Wayne says. “A Moslem dating a Jew might, or might not, be as problematic as a Wiccan dating a Southern Baptist. The issue really comes down to the respect people have for each other, regardless of their beliefs. Two people of the same religion can be more disrespectful of each other than a man and a woman who come from very different belief systems.”
Be discreet about the details. The odds are you aren’t seeing your new beau because he belongs to the League of the Infernal Wombat (though, hopefully, you aren’t simply tolerating him despite that fact). That’s why Micah Sachs advises, “When you introduce your new partner to your friends, ask yourself this question: What details would you divulge about yourself if you were meeting people for the first time? You probably wouldn’t talk about your religion or your particular eating habits, so why should you reveal these things about your new sweetie?”
Don’t assume religion always has to be a source of conflict… “The word ‘nontraditional’ is a matter of perspective,” Dr. Wayne says. “A Moslem dating a Jew might, or might not, be as problematic as a Wiccan dating a Southern Baptist. The issue really comes down to the respect people have for each other, regardless of their beliefs. Two people of the same religion can be more disrespectful of each other than a man and a woman who come from very different belief systems.”
…but don’t assume religion won’t cause any conflict, either. Explains Dr. Wayne: “If you can’t live with a person of radically different beliefs without making huge accommodations on his or her behalf, be careful. This may be more an issue of power and control than beliefs. If your evangelical boyfriend can’t enjoy a quiet evening without discussing his religion, that is a problem.”
Remember, other people will pick up on your discomfort. “If you’re uncomfortable with your partner’s choices, your anxiety will spread among family and friends like the measles,” says therapist Dr. Stephanie Buehler. “You should be able to give a 30-second ‘elevator speech’ about your partner’s beliefs that puts him in a positive light. It might go something like this: “Fred has very strong spiritual beliefs. In fact, he is high priest in a Wiccan coven, and his writing has appeared in some impressive Wiccan publications.” If you can say that comfortably and deal with the raised eyebrows you may see in response, you’re well on your way to comfortable couplehood.
After reading the
above short article, stop and reflect on its information. Imagine that you are strongly attracted
to a person from a religious or spiritual background that is different from
your own. The attraction is mutual
and you both decide to seriously date.
1. Given what you have learned in our
course to date, what will you do to prepare your deeply Evangelical parents when
you introduce them to your Muslim girlfriend?
2. What will be your carefully chosen
words and attitude?
If I were to date a man of the Muslim faith and introduce him to my strictly Evangelical parents, I would first do research on Muslim values. I would want to find ways to compare the two faiths and show how they can be similar to each other. By doing so, when I first tell my parents about him, I can also prove to them that the religions are not incredibly different from one another. Next, I would also think of ways that my boyfriend and I share similar beliefs and values, excluding religion. This would be show the ways we get along and hold certain things of greater importance, despite our differences. Lastly, I would point out the ways that make him a good man. I believe that a relationship is built on how people treat each other--there is more to it than things like religion. By pointing out the good things and similar qualities that my boyfriend and I share, I would hope my parents would become more understanding of the situation. As for my attitude and words, I would be careful not to state either religion is better and I would not try to sound defensive. I would just be open and honest because I feel that would come across better rather than trying to defend him. Overall, I feel the best approach to the situation is to introduce the religious differences by trying to find similar qualities and present them openly.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to make the assumption that the intended question would have a Muslim boyfriend in my case since I am female. If I were making these preparations with account to my actual parents were they Protestant, I might not prepare them for the meeting at all. My parents are very open if not intrigued with other cultures and I think that the surprise of an interesting boyfriend would be like a gift to them. This is actually quite applicable to me because my parents are devout Catholics in actuality, and they have tried actively not to oppose any sort of culture. Something I might consider would just be saying something akin to, "Mom, Dad, my boyfriend is a Muslim so please be conscious of your words or actions so you don't do anything to intentionally offend him." my attitude will probably be relaxed and not anxious or accusatory so that my parents can also enter the meeting feeling relaxed and unpressured. If I were to assume my parents to be like those from the chapter that heavily discourage interfaith dating I would probably prepare them by telling them that he makes me happy and that his religion is not a significant part of our relationship. I would say that I would really appreciate their support because this is what makes me happy and dating within my faith might be important to them but it is limiting and exclusionary to me.
ReplyDeleteIf I were to date out of my faith, I would definitely have to prepare my parents. I would need to sit them down in person, especially if I was getting serious with this significant other, and I would have to explain why and how I feel about this person. I would tell them that regardless of their religion, they mean the world to me to the point that our difference of faith does not matter. I think my parents would be able to understand my love and affection for this person, but if it were to get serious I’m not sure if they would be able to support my marriage to someone outside my faith. This may come with time, but it might take a lot of convincing before my parents would accept my marriage to someone outside the Jewish faith. If it were the first time I was going to introduce my significant other of another faith to my parents, I would approach them with a very open-minded respectful demeanor. I would tell them about what got us together in the first place, and why I have chosen to become deeply involved with him. I would tell my parents all the things he does for me and how he makes me happy and want to be a better person. I feel that if I could relate to them on a more meaningful and personal level and show them how my life has changed positively because of this relationship, I think they would be a lot more open to accepting him. If marriage eventually came up, I feel that with time and convincing on my and his part, my parents could come around. Most importantly, I would explain to my parents that I would continue to practice my religion and teach it to our children in the future.
ReplyDeleteOur class hasn’t really discussed interfaith issues, but I feel that acceptance of someone different is the same across the board. It comes with acknowledgement of and being comfortable with the differences, mainly through consistent exposure and contact. Just like in understanding the experiences of mixed raced children, it would help to understand some of the struggles and other experiences outsiders might not be aware of. So if I had to prepare my parents before they meet my Muslim boyfriend, I would do my best to illustrate all the connections they may have with him despite their different beliefs connections that may even arise from having a religion.
ReplyDeleteBut if I could choose, I would introduce my boyfriend directly and have my parents just meet him in their own way because I trust my parents to be respectful no matter what. Since I know they’ll also want to make sure the relationship will work out for me and won’t entirely accept the situation right away, I would do the discussions after the meeting.
I would remain open to any of their concerns or questions, calmly address any issues my parents may raise, and maybe say things like, “I know there’ll be differences to discover and work through, but its all part of the continuing learning process of life, so I’m going to enjoy it. Ultimately, everyone is entitled to be happy with believing what they want and spending their life with whomever they want.”
Before introducing my boyfriend to my parents, I would tell them he believes in a different religion and would educate them on what it is. I would prep them to see their reaction so I could then introduce my partner in the future with minimal awkward conversation or discomfort. I would need to make it clear to my parents that my partner is not trying to convert me and that I am accepting of their religion, but there is no doubt this would be a hard conversation because my parents are both very dedicated to their Christian beliefs. I hope they would be accepting, and if not, I would warn my partner to just not bring it up when meeting and have them get to know my parents naturally, without forcing the subject of religion.
ReplyDeleteThe other problem with telling my parents about my boyfriend's different religion beliefs before meeting is that they may judge him before they even get to know him. It is a challenging situation but I would stand up for my partner if any judgment was passed in confrontation.
I would be careful to use unbiased wording, neutral attitude, and accepting tone. I would not want to bring up the subject as if it was a problem; I would rather bring it up as just a difference between my partner and I that I accept. I would make sure my partner is not trying to convert me and is respectful of my own religious views as well.
I think patience, acceptance, insight, and open communication is the best policy in this situation.
If I was entering into a relationship with a Muslim, I don’t think I would have to do much of anything to prepare my parents. They are extremely accepting and have always accepted my decisions about who to spend my time with and ultimately date, regardless of their race, faith, etc. They have always had the philosophy that I will only learn about myself and who I am compatible with if they remain hands-off and let me make independent decisions. In the past, I dated someone who was very religious, and our beliefs clashed completely. Still, my parents were nothing but supportive until I made the decision to leave the relationship for myself. I feel that this is the way they would handle the situation if I brought home someone who was Muslim, just as they would if I brought home a person of any race or religion. They only thing they have ever cared about was that my boyfriend took care of me and that we supported eachother, and beyond that, they stayed out of the way. I have found this to be extremely beneficial in my development as a person and as a partner to my current boyfriend, because I was able to enter into this relationship with a stronger sense of myself and of my boundaries in terms of who I am and am not comfortable dating.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis question is very difficult for me to answer because my parents aren't incredibly religious and I feel as though I wouldn't really face any conflict. As long as they can see that I am happy then they would be happy for me as well. Hypothetically speaking though, if I were to date someone who was Muslim I would be sure to spend a great amount of time researching the religion to ensure that I would have a solid understanding of it to prepare for any questions that my parents would ask. Before talking with my parents though, I would have a serious conversation with my partner about any conflicts that may arise and what we would need to do to get through the conflicts. Just because my partner is of a serious religion, I would let my parents know that it will not affect my current beliefs but simply make me more knowledgeable about another culture. If this relationship were very serious, then the topic of my children's beliefs could also come up and if it did I would let my parents know that I will not force my children to choose a particular religion. I will allow them to become educated on both mine, and my husband's religion and let them choose what they want to believe. Knowing that this whole conversation with my parents will be very serious and may cause several emotions to arise, I would definitely listen to everything they have to say and try to keep the tone as calm as possible but I will also remind them that a person's faith does not define who they are and that I hope they can accept my happiness with my significant other.
ReplyDeleteI would remind them that Jesus preached tolerance and love for others. While she may be a different faith, her spiritual beliefs are her own business and should be respected. I would stress that religion does not define a person and what’s on the inside. Finally, I would point out that it was my choice to commit to a long time relationship with her and would still date her with or without their support. However, it would be greatly appreciated if they would help meet us half way, and I hope that they would at least have enough respect to keep their opinions to themselves about a women I've chosen to open my heart to.
ReplyDeleteI would stress the need for respect and love. I would also stress what a wonderful person that she is and all her positive activities. At the end of the day though, what my parent's believe and how they act is up to them; try as I might, I can't stop them from being confrontational and rude to my girlfriend. If this happened, I would talk to my girlfriend after words and try to explain that their opinion would hopefully change.
I found the above article very interesting, as it explained ways to succeed in interfaith relationships through mutual respect and love. These aspects are key to interracial, interfaith, and essentially any relationship. My parents are very accepting of interfaith and interracial dating. I would simply talk to them about these concepts, through an open and tolerant environment. We would discuss both nation building and American exceptionalism. As long as individuals love and respect one another, they can work past any cultural or racial differences and turn such ideas into positive couple-building exercises. I would suggest we talk about another religion in terms of cultural awareness and appreciation. Therefore, everyone involved would have the proper knowledge and be able to respect this Jewish, Muslim, Christian, Atheist, Buddhist, or any other religiously identified individual. I think that cultural elements such as music, food, and fashion also bring people together in innovative and joyous manners.
ReplyDeleteMy words would all be of inclusion and tolerance. Far too often in our society, people are purposely left out, placed in spaces without representation or acknowledgement. Ignoring cultural identities puts people in places of untruth. The public, as well as families, need to honor and respect other religions and cultures. My attitude will be positive, as relationships are about more than the individuals. A relationship is also about the changes a person makes to better themselves for their partner, and the steps to make a fulfilling, happy, and loving relationship.
If I were to date a person who has very different religious background and in the hypothetical situation I would first talk to them and get their outlook on what they would think if I were to date a Muslim person and talk about the pros and cons of dating inter-religiously even before telling my parents who are deeply Evangelical that I plan to date someone of a different religion. They may not be completely accepting in the very beginning, but if they have an open mind and I ease them into the idea they may be more accepting. Also I would not be saying that being Muslim is better or that they have to convert to their religion, rather they are just to understand that there are differences and even though their beliefs may not be the same as my parents, they can continue to be deeply Evangelical if they wish to be. When the time actually comes when I am introducing the person that I wish to date, I might even ask my boyfriend and parents to not talk about religion in any part of their interactions in order to familiarize themselves with each other as a person that has interests and a life other than their religion. That way when religion does come about and when they see that I am also accepting of the person's religion they can understand that I have made the right choice.
ReplyDeleteI was raised by a spiritual mother and a father with no religious affiliation or desire. My mother has always been open about different religions, taking me to services for unitarian, catholic, mormon, Jewish, presbyterian, and Armenian apostolic faiths. As my father has no preference when it comes to dating theses of different faiths and my mother embraces all cultures, interfaith dating has never been a concern in my family. Therefore, I have trouble relating to the topic. However, if I were Evangelical and preparing to introduce my deeply religious parents to a Muslim partner, I would probably describe my partner to my parents before the introduction to avoid any defensive behavior.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely take the advice of the experts mentioned in the article. Providing that my hypothetical parents might have some objections to interfaith dating, I would choose to be discreet about the details of our relationship. To introduce someone, I don’t think it is necessary to detail their faith, unless it completely determines their personality. The introduction should highlight said partner’s positive attributes, such as education, personality, and accomplishments. If religious affiliation did become a factor, I would demonstrate my acceptance of my partner’s faith, and, hopefully, my unyielding devotion would suffice as proof that interfaith dating is acceptable.
I would first have to be confident and comfortable in my decision to date this person first of all. There is no way that I could even breach the subject of a situation like this to my parents without first knowing that it was something I truly believed to begin with. Communication and understanding are the two most important factors needed when broaching a situation like this. Religious and cultural ties are definitive parts of us that can be incredibly difficult to work with. I would have to look into the beliefs and cultures of my significant other’s religion and understand why he believes what he does. I wouldn’t be able half-heartedly attempt to learn what it is that he believed in so strongly and then hope my parents understood where I was coming from. I would definitely have to research whatever religion he was a part of and come up with my own beliefs regarding it. Interpreting my own thoughts and keeping his in mind would help immensely when I t came to talking to my parents.
ReplyDeleteBefore introducing my parents to my Muslim girlfriend, I would tell them how much I love her and how happy I am when I am around her. Then, I would arrange for us to go out and eat lunch where I could introduce her to my parents. My parents are typically quite relaxed and supportive of my decisions. If they were to have any problems with my Muslim girlfriend, it would not be about her faith, but about whether she makes me happy or is a positive influence in my life. After meeting my girlfriend, my parents would likely have a discussion with me asking questions such as when I met my girlfriend and what my girlfriend's future career goals are.
ReplyDeleteI would be careful to answer any concerns my parents have about my girlfriend and show my parents how serious I am with her so they can be supportive and happy for me. In the case that my parents are not accepting of my girlfriend due to her faith, I believe I would have to be patient and show them over time how amazing my girlfriend in spite of her personal beliefs. Over time, I will show them that she is truly a source of happiness in my life and I hope they can support that so we can all spend time together.
Prior to introducing my Muslim girlfriend to my parents, I would first sit them down and discuss dating in general with them tell them about my new significant other. I would show them pictures of us, of her, of her family, tell them about her and her family, and answer any questions they had to the best of my knowledge. I would introduce what her aspirations are, what her career goals are, what she likes to do, and the qualities she has as a person. I would share memories me and her have created and let them know how happy we are. I would try to give them as much information initially as possible so that no surprises come up with her in the room as to not make her feel uncomfortable about who she is as a person and what she chooses to do in life.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of word choice, I'm fairly confident I would stress the importance of our success as a couple in the future, both through support of one another emotionally and economically. I would be absolutely certain to stress the importance of our happiness and explain that she is what makes me happy and what I want in life. After this, I am certain my parents would be more than happy to meet her and quite happy I decided to include them in the process.
Thinking about this situation, I would really think about whether or not I was 100% comfortable and confident in my decision before talking to my family. If I could assure myself I was, I would talk to my family and explain my decision. I would explicitly explain the differences, and talk about what we have decided to do to create some compromise. I would want to make sure that they were okay with the compromises and talk about how these would affect the family. Also I would want to think about it from the other person's point of view and discuss solutions to some questions or problems that might stem from that family. If I were to date inter religiously I'm sure I would have support and my parents would just be happy that I was with a person with whom I was happy.
ReplyDeleteI think the most important thing about acceptance is understanding. People fear what they do not understand, or know. I would first try to learn as much about Muslim customs and culture. Then, I would try to teach it to my family. I feel as if there would be more understanding and acceptance if they were to know more about Muslims. However, I will try not to talk about religion and such when they first meet. I think that there are so many other qualities about a person to talk about, so I would try to avoid talking about religion at first. I think that after my parents are more comfortable with her that I will then breach that subject. People shouldn't be judged by their religion, but by the quality of their personality, so I think that my parents would first have to see her personality, and leave religion out of it.
ReplyDelete