Instructor: Dr. Lalia
Hekima Kiburi
Winter
Quarter 2014
Blog Question #
7
Dating across religious lines
By
Bob Strauss
Don’t assume religion
always has to be a source of conflict…
“The word ‘nontraditional’ is a matter of perspective,” Dr. Wayne says. “A
Moslem dating a Jew might, or might not, be as problematic as a Wiccan dating a
Southern Baptist. The issue really comes down to the respect people have for
each other, regardless of their beliefs. Two people of the same religion can be
more disrespectful of each other than a man and a woman who come from very
different belief systems.” …but don’t assume religion won’t cause any conflict, either. Explains Dr. Wayne: “If you can’t live with a person of radically different beliefs without making huge accommodations on his or her behalf, be careful. This may be more an issue of power and control than beliefs. If your evangelical boyfriend can’t enjoy a quiet evening without discussing his religion, that is a problem.”
___________________________________
In analyzing the issues that both
challenge and benefit individuals who date and mate across interfaith lines,
Bob Strauss, the author of the excerpts from his article above (full text on
our SmartSite Resource page), discusses realistic and healthy expectations After reading Chapter 7: Unequally Yoked: How Willing Are Christians to Engage in Interracial
and Interfaith Dating and reflecting on Strauss’ thoughts---what
advice would you give to couples creating a relationship across interfaith
lines?
Sources:
match.com--Bob Strauss is a freelance writer and children’s book author who
lives in New York City. He’s also written the Dinosaur guide on About.com, the
online information network owned by the New York Times.
After reading Chapter 7 on interfaith dating, I think the success or failure of an interfaith relationship (whether it is interracial or not) depends on whether the participants are extrinsically or intrinsically religious. In the segment on Christianity and racism, the authors comment on a study that found “the extrinsic group was highly prejudiced while the intrinsic group was one of the least prejudiced groups in the entire study” (Smith and Hattery, pg. 121). This section also defines people who are intrinsically religious as considering faith “a meaningful and integral part of their lives” while those who are extrinsically religious “choose to be religious because of the label” (pg. 121). If a couple is creating a relationship across interfaith lines, it is important that the participants are intrinsically religious because an intrinsically religious person is more likely to understand that although a certain faith is important to him or her, it might not have the same meaning for someone else. I believe there would be more conflict in a relationship between two people who are extrinsically religious because, considering the book’s explanation, it seems that they would be more defensive or forceful with their religion, potentially using it to give themselves a higher status than others. In addition to this, I think that the religions themselves play a large part. For example, it might be easier for two people of monotheistic religions to sustain a relationship than someone of a monotheistic faith and someone of a polytheistic faith, because many monotheistic religions have larger overlaps in beliefs. To sustain a relationship between an atheist and someone religious might be even more difficult. I think that for a successful interfaith relationship, neither participant should either expect or desire their partner to adopt a different faith, but should embrace the difference in faith and use it as a learning experience. On a different note, depending on how serious the relationship is, it would be important for two individuals in an interfaith relationship to discuss the potential of having children, and with what faith or morals those children would be raised. From personal experience, it seems that exposing the child to both faiths but not forcing either faith on the child is the best option, because then the child can decide for his or herself which faith, if any, to practice.
ReplyDeleteAs Dr. Wayne mentioned in the above article, religion does not always have to be a source of conflict in a relationship. However, in the event that it is, it is important that members remains honest with one another, expressing each other’s concerns explicitly so any issues that arise may be addressed. In addition, I believe it’s important to realize that the couple does not necessarily have to agree that one religion is the “right one” and the other is “wrong”. Having differences is okay, and each religion is beautiful in its own way. Of course, there may be occasions where one person may disagree with the religious practices and beliefs of another, and in this situation, maintaining a degree of tolerance and understanding is essential, as it’s important to accept and respect each other’s differences. The merging of two religions in one relationship does not always have to perceived as a negative issue; it can be viewed as an opportunity to further enrich each other lives. Another issue that commonly arises is that an individual’s family or religious group is not in support of the individual dating a person of a different faith as was mentioned in Ch. 7 “Unequally Yoked”. Maintaining the support of one’s family and support system will allow the relationship to flow more smoothly. This can be accomplished through ensuring that the family or support group understands that the relationship between two people is manifested through love and should not be dictated solely through religion. Faith can be a large factor in a relationship; however, this is not the only factor. Although interfaith relationships can be difficult, this does not necessarily mean that religion has to fully define a relationship between two people.
ReplyDeleteI think the number one priority for interfaith couples is to establish a thorough dialogue regarding their respective beliefs, so that no stone may be left unturned and each party can fully understand the other. I think that if interfaith couples discover fundamental spiritual differences on morality or other substantial ideals, it can understandably become a deal breaker, depending on how much weight the differing beliefs carry for each spouse. Religious disparities, especially between devout individuals, carry a far greater significance than other differences.
ReplyDeleteI think interfaith couples also need to come to an agreement on how to raise their children with or without the religions of each spouse. If the couple is able to embrace their differing spiritualities, the next step is to establish harmony within the family by setting guidelines for the kids.
As Dr. Wayne said, respect is extremely important in relationships of mixed faith. Just as in interracial relationships, respecting your partner's culture, heritage, and lifestyle choices is paramount for a successful relationship. Another piece of advice that I would give to interfaith couples of more seriousness is to be realistic, open, and honest about expectations with children. I was raised being allowed to choose any faith or belief system I wanted and was never pressured into believing anything. This was extremely important in my upbringing and I think letting children decide for themselves what they want to believe is a great way to promote higher independent thinking and originality. It is understandable for a couple to want to educate their children on their respective faith systems, but giving the resources to draw their own conclusions is the best method in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteThrough my experiences in an interfaith relationship as well as reading Chapter 7 of our textbook, I believe that the advice I’d stress to others in interfaith relationships is to never act pretentious in one’s beliefs. That is, for people to see their religion as better or greater than the religions of others. If this is the case, an interfaith relationship cannot be possible. The moment that there is a perceived difference in the value or “rightness” of a religion over another, even if there is still respect for the “lesser” religion, there becomes an idea that the culture surrounding that religion, and therefore the culture of the people of that religion, is also not of equal value to the culture of the person who practices the “higher” religion. This perception of unequally valuable cultures, a problem we’ve also discussed in interracial relationships, will lead an interfaith relationship to failure. Because you as a person define yourself by the culture you grew up with and/or choose for yourself, to be told that your religion is not as good as another is in a way being told that you yourself are not good enough, and it can only lead to a harmful relationship. Couples who practice different faiths must be able to comprehend that religions cannot be judged as better, the same, or lesser, but instead seen as different, co-existing lifestyles that often share similar values under their practices.
ReplyDeleteI would tell couples who are dating interfaith to directly discuss the topic of religion with one another. Maybe some people have misconceptions about the religion of their partner, and a discussion would be the perfect time to address any assumptions or misconceptions. Furthermore, if race is an issue that both partners cannot come to a resolution about, then discussing it early on already stops the relationship from progressing further. Later on in a relationship, people might be more emotionally invested and a breakup then could hurt much more than a breakup now. Another piece of advice I would give is to explicitly state your boundaries. For example, if you really do not like when people say “oh sweet baby Jesus” as an expression, then say so, and if your partner respects you, then it shouldn’t be a problem for them to be mindful of reasonable requests that you may have. One last piece of advice I would give is to be open when going into an interfaith relationship and understand that being open to your partner about their religion doesn’t undermine your faith to your own religion. Rather, it demonstrates your ability to appreciate what other religions have to offer. The things that make people unique should be celebrated and explored, and people should make their partners feel comfortable when talking to them about things concerning religion.
ReplyDeleteI think that the topic of religion can be an incredibly powerful and divisive element in determining romantic compatibility. I believe that since discussing religion is less taboo than discussing race in most situations today, we allow ourselves to have stronger opinions about religion and be more open about it. I have found religion to be much more of a factor in determining success of my relationships than race has ever been. Our guest lecturer mentioned that cultural topics are not addressed on a daily basis, instead things like “what’s for dinner, when will you be home, how are we going to afford this bill” are issues that dominate. Religion, on the other hand, depending on its teachings, is a factor in how people think about their daily life, how people structure their day, how people interpret the world and their interactions with other people, how people cope with problems etcetera. I am a self-identified atheist-leaning agnostic, and I have found it incredibly difficult to be in a relationship with someone who is heavily influenced by their religion. I cannot feel emotionally connected to, and comfortable with someone whose worldview is drastically different from mine. Since I look for intellectual connections and compatibility, I seek someone with whom I can have long discussions with and resolve my mental conflicts with. This is not to say that I find people of other religions less intelligent, or view them with any contempt, I am simply saying it is difficult to reconcile two world views which are so different, and I would never be able to come to terms with that lack of reconciliation. With that being said, it is really hard for me to advise interfaith couples. I think this sort of issue needs to be assessed on a personal level, and there isn’t one specific solution to all interfaith couples. The only thing I feel comfortable recommending is that I would encourage interfaith couples to talk about their interfaith status and how it affects their relationship.
ReplyDeleteOne of the most important foundations to any relationship is acceptance, and this is true for couples creating a relationship across interfaith lines. I advise these couples to be completely honest from the beginning. It is important for concerns to be addressed that way they can be resolved prior to any major disputes. I also think that is it important for both people in the relationship to share their religious beliefs with one another, that way everyone understands why their partner believes and acts the way they do. Even if they disagree, it can be likely to still accept that one partner has different beliefs than you. In fact, editor of InterfaithFamily.com, Micah Sachs, says that, “The key is to figure out whether you disagree with his or her beliefs or disapprove of those beliefs.” If you disapprove, it may be harder to resolve conflict and fully accept your partner. I also think it is crucial for people in interfaith relationships to not try and convert the other and be as accepting as possible despite extended family’s opinions. On another note, I think a big struggle for those who marry across interfaith lines is the choice of what religion they should raise their children. Psychologist Dr. Tara Boadu, and a woman who married across interfaith lines, says there are multiple options for parents such as: couples choosing one religion to raise the family, no longer practicing religion, or raising their children with both religions known as the “blended approach.” With acceptance and determination, couples can create very positive and healthy interfaith relationships.
ReplyDeleteAfter observing and experiencing an interfaith relationship between my parents growing up as a child, I can definitely say that it can be a challenge when you and a loved one come from different religious backgrounds. With that in mind, it’s very important that couples come to respect their differences in religion just as Dr. Wayne states in the reading. People are defined and identify themselves with the religious and cultural environment they were raised in. If a partner cannot tolerate your religion or make the effort to comprehend and learn about it, then the relationship can quickly go downhill. To maintain a healthy relationship, partners have to view their religions on equal terms and avoid putting the others down in any negative way. This means making the effort to understand the culture and beliefs of a partner’s religion without offending them or placing one’s own religion above the other. This also means making the effort to educate a partner about your religion without forcefully placing your religion and its values upon them. Once this is achieved, then a couple can learn to coexist and appreciate each other's religions without the presence of tension or conflict. However, if a couple decides that they want children, then issues can arise over whether to raise a child under one religion or the other. To avoid this, interfaith couples should refrain from raising their child under one religion and allow their children to choose their own faith. By allowing this to occur, neither parent feels offended or upset and their children have the opportunity to venture on their own journey of self-discovery.
ReplyDeleteA lot of my relatives from my father's side have married across interfaith lines. My dad's brother is an agnostic while his wife is a pretty devout Catholic. I know that for them, it was initially hard for my aunt's family to accept my Uncle because many Catholics do believe that they should only marry within their own religion. However, they currently have a very successful relationship, and I think that really stems from the mutual respect they have for each other's religions and cultures. My Uncle asks not to be pressured into the religion, but at the same time he goes to Church with my aunt every Sunday just to make her happy. I think little sacrifices and adjustments like that are key for a successful relationship especially across cultural and religious lines. I also think its important for people to realize that no one is 100 percent perfect; the goal shouldn't be to find that perfect person but to accept people for who they are and accept their differences because in the end all that matters is how much both people really care about each other. Religion is a huge deal for many people, especially those who base their lives off their religions. In those circumstances I definitely understand the difficulties of dating interfaith, but at that point I think it just comes down to how bad you want the relationship to work and how much effort you are willing to put in to overcome the differences and accept them.
ReplyDeleteI have been in interfaith relationships before, and, after reflecting on these readings, I would suggest that interfaith couples be honest with themselves and each other regarding their beliefs and feelings in general and as they relate to dating across faith lines. I remember having conversations early on in my relationships about what our faith means to us and how our views about the world help shape who we are as people and how we conduct ourselves. Knowing this about a person is helpful in gaining an understanding of and respect for their beliefs. In think that, in a way, every person has a different belief system. Even if you and your partner have worldviews/religious views that are similar or based on the same religion, your views likely differ in some ways. Therefore, I think that, in all relationships, there should be open communication about what a person and their significant other believe and how that affects the way each of them lives life. With the people I dated, I found that we had many of the same views regarding moral behavior, and open communication allowed us to be respectful of each other’s beliefs, even if we didn't agree completely.
ReplyDeleteI think when discussing relationships formed across religious lines, there is a noteworthy distinction between religious individuals who entirely identify behind their religion and those who view their religion as only part of their identity. In other words, there are extremists and moderates. Even though I think any relationship can be successful with proper honest communication, acknowledgment of each partner’s independence as an individual, and open mindedness, in my experience I find extremists generally don’t date outside their religious circle simply because such flexibility is so difficult. In addition, I have observed that strongly religious individuals tailor their lifestyle around their religion which is usually the reason they find it problematic to date those who don’t share similar customs. Dating across religious lines requires individuals is recognize the fact many of their most natural moral instincts and conceptual outlooks have been shaped by religion and be aware that other people have had an entirely different socialization. I strongly believe people remain to be free-thinking individuals even when they commit their life to another person; therefore, as Dr. Wayne mentioned, there should be mutual respect to allow each partner to believe what they wish. In my family, there has been a number of instances where one partner assumes their spouse’s religious views. This relates to my final piece of advice which would be for couples to openly and explicitly discuss how they plan to continue their religious identities before they make a long term commitment, especially when expecting to have a family.
ReplyDeleteIn order for any relationship to succeed, there needs to be respect between partners. I believe this is especially important in interfaith relationships, as religion is something that can have a huge impact on people's lives. Both partners need to actively approach the topic of religion with an open mind and be sure to remain nonjudgemental if the relationship is going to succeed. Neither partner should pressure the other into converting or guilt them into doing something they don't want to do. I have seen firsthand what happens when one partner insists on the "eternal salvation" of the other one and makes comments about how one person will go to Heaven and the other will go to Hell unless they convert.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, it is also important to keep in mind that it is perfectly acceptable to discuss religion in a relationship. It helps prevent future conflict over differing beliefs, and it helps the partners build empathy and understanding for one another. Just like any other divisive topic such as political leanings or race, religion is something that needs to be consciously addressed in a relationship, just not attacked. In my own experience, there is nothing to prevent an interfaith relationship from being every bit as strong as an intrafatih one as long as both partners are respectful and willing to compromise and communicate with each other.
Lauryn Hayashi
ReplyDeleteI think the success of an interfaith relationship comes down to compromise and the strength of each individual's beliefs. For 'example, if a very traditional Jewish person and a strong Catholic decide to enter a relationship, they must learn to compromise. A religion is someone's set of beliefs. In this case, each person's beliefs may hold so strongly that there may be huge conflicts in the future. However, if the two people can learn to respect their differences and understand that they will never completely agree on all of their beliefs, I think they could make the relationship work. Many of my Christian friends cannot even fathom the idea of marrying a non-Christian. They feel that their beliefs and the life they want to live will conflict too much with a non-Christian. Although I agree that there will be a struggle, if they really love each other, I think they will learn to make it work. One way to make this work is for the two to be completely honest with each other and encourage open dialogue about their religious differences and similarities. I also believe that the two should try out each others' religious practices, despite how much they may contradict their own. Also, I think it is very important to defend each other's religions if under attack from others.
The key for interfaith couples having healthy, successful relationships is respect. If each person is able to respect and understand that their partner has a belief different from theirs and that he or she is entitled to their own beliefs, the relationship should run smoothly. Both people have to understand that neither of their beliefs are necessarily the "right one" and that they were raised differently and will thus have different opinions. Having a good relationship isn't about changing your partner to become more like you; it's about understanding, accepting, and growing to appreciate the differences and how it brings so much more to the relationship.
ReplyDeleteI think that couples engaged in interfaith relationships need to make sure that their relationship is grounded on love first and foremost, but then that their faith and beliefs are out in the open and a subject of conversation for both parties to discuss. I believe that the whole idea of feeling like you are making a huge sacrifice in your religion and belief should be a good indicator that maybe the relationship will not pan out because a person's beliefs should be respected and neither of the individuals should have to feel as though their belief is being undermined. A healthy relationship involve both partners to acknowledge and respect each other's beliefs as equals. I think it is critical to realize that both of the parties understand the importance of faith for their loved ones.
ReplyDeleteReflecting on the reading for chapter seven and the article written by Bob Strauss, personally, I feel dating across interfaith lines pose a great difficultly. I do agree with Strauss on the point that mutual respect of one another's ideas plays a critical role in maintaining a healthy relationship. It is vital to see from each other's points of view. However, in the case of fundamentally devout individuals, even though one may understand and respect the other's beliefs, many uncompromising factors that stem from sincere religious devotion will cause rifts and incompatibility in the relationship. This will affect vital decisions in being in a relationship including marriage, the upbringing of children, and the treatment of loved ones. These conflicts will render devout interfaith couples to be incompatible. However, in the case of either less religiously devout couples, or less serious relationships, it is more than possible to have the relationship work through mutual respect and understanding.
ReplyDeleteI personally believe that interfaith relationships are extremely hit or miss: they can be very difficult, but at the same time, very rewarding. Especially when dealing with interfaith relationships, it is absolutely vital to not consider your set of beliefs to be superior to those of your partner. It is important to understand that the basis of religion is not to segregate peoples and communities, but rather, unite them under similar moralistic ideals. For me, religion is more than what the Bible says, more than what the Quran, more than what the Tanakh says, but rather the ideologies taught by these establishments. How to carry ourselves as people and how to treat others is more important than being a divided society. As with most relationships, demeaning others is never beneficial and a significant portion of the difficulties that would arise are caused by the assumption that your partner’s beliefs are insignificant. In order to achieve this “belief equality,” it is important to first off, understand what those beliefs are. Without knowing where your partner stands on issues like the afterlife, morality, etc., it is challenging to finding where the major ideological rifts may lie. After all, the basis of the relationship is in the “undying love” that either person has for the other. Having a relationship where everything is based on religion and theology can be extremely detrimental to the livelihood and longevity of the dating experience. As Dr. Wayne states, “If your evangelical boyfriend can’t enjoy a quiet evening without discussing his religion, that is a problem.”
ReplyDeleteInterfaith relationships are complicated in that they require multiple levels of mutual understanding: 1) how to balance their religious differences 2) holiday celebrations 3) (if they choose to have children) how to guide their children in terms of religious beliefs. Furthermore, religion is touchy because each is intricate and has its own differences and strengths. Because some may have grown up with a certain religion, it may be difficult to fully accept other lines of beliefs as equivalently important to you. Thus, certain religious holidays for one partner may be disregarded by the other. For people engaging in interfaith relationships, I feel like these aspects above are the hardest to address in a relationship; there is a thin line that is being respectful and embracing the other's belief as well. My advice to people in interfaith relationships is to open religion and let it become a comfortable discussion topic--when it is discussed, religious differences and the tensions will hopefully loosen due to a deeper understanding of each other.
ReplyDeleteI would advise couples who are dating interfaith, to beware of the possible alienation they might experience within their relationship due to their differing belief systems. As was stated in the excerpt by Strauss, interfaith dating can create issues within the relationship and I think a major issue can be want of a sense of intimacy that comes with being united in faith/ beliefs which interfaith couples may not have. However, as long as they respect each other's beliefs, they can compensate for this possible alienation by relying on and strengthening the remaining aspects of their relationship where they are united. I would also advise the couples notably if one of them is a Christian, to prepare themselves for the possible opposition to their relationship they might face due to the strong emphasis Christian theology and other religions place on not dating interfaith (Smith and Hattery, P. 117).
ReplyDelete