Instructor: Dr. Lalia
Hekima Kiburi
Winter
Quarter 2014
Blog Question #6
In the book titled: In
Love, But Worlds Apart: Insights,
questions, and tips for the intercultural couple, the
authors Grete Shelling and J. Fraser Smith argue that intercultural dating and
mating partners can not depend on love alone to create and sustain a successful
relationship. According to Shelling
and Smith, certain conditions must be met in order to enhance their unity. These conditions are:
·
“partners must become reasonably more and more
mature
·
[be] willing and able to think and to talk about
their cultural differences that include manners, values, worldview, holidays
and other customs
·
learn to understand and respect [their]
differences
·
find solutions to their conflicts and discover
enough things they can celebrate and enjoy together”
Shelling and Smith help partners
to “think through vital topics of differences they must face eventually, such
as:
·
“their differing family backgrounds
·
[differing] expectations
·
[differing] tastes
·
future country or place of residence”
Given all that you have learned from course readings,
presentations, and discussions to date, which of the above issues would be of
greatest concern to you in analyzing the social practice of dating and mating
across cultures. Why?
Of the issues listed above, perhaps the greatest concern may be differing expectations. Differing expectations not only includes what the couple expects of each other but also their expectations of other people, including family and friends, as well as the expectations that family and friends have of the interracial couple. Based on our discussions and readings, it seems that the more dominant issues between interracial couples stem from opposition from outside forces rather than from within the couple themselves. For example, one of the concepts discussed was that African American females tend to oppose dating between African males and Caucasian females. In addition, our guest speaker shared that the father of his previous Caucasian girlfriend disapproved of their dating. The threats received by Kim Kardashian and Kanye West is another example. It seems that in most of the interracial relationships we have discussed, the relationship between the couple functions well, but of course, negativity from family, friends, or even strangers can taint their happiness. In these situations, having a strong sense of maturity and the understanding that the interracial relationship between the two individuals will not please everyone is important. Being able to talk openly about any issues that arise from outside forces, as well as developing certain survival tactics (as one of our classmates mentioned during a previous discussion) in the face of opposition is also important. Overall, although cultural and personal differences are, without a doubt, issues that arise in interracial dating, opposition from outside parties is also a very dominating factor that interracial couples must face.
ReplyDeleteOut of the issues that Shelling and Smith bring up, I think that differing expectations would be of greatest concern when analyzing cross-cultural relationships. I think that this issue stands out from the others because this is an issue that all the other issues are centered around. For example, differing expectations can lead to a conflict when looking at future places of residence; in addition, differing expectations are sometimes a direct product of differing family backgrounds. At the start of a relationship, differing expectations might not be as big of a deal, especially for younger people who are not necessarily thinking about the consequence of differences in a longer-term relationship. However, once a relationship beings to become more serious, differing expectations in where to live, what culture to embrace, or how to raise a child can harm the relationship because these obstacles are not as easy to overcome as smaller differences in taste or preferences might be.
ReplyDeleteI think the biggest concern for interracial couples, along with same-race couples, is being willing and able to think and to talk about their cultural differences. Without talking and expressing feelings, emotions, and opinions- there will be little progress and development for the couple. In order for couples to work through their differences, both parties have to be willing to first talk about it. A huge problem in many relationships is a lack of communication. Often times, problems arise because one side of the relationship makes assumptions about the other side. This issue can be resolved if each side of the relationship feels the dire importance in talking and communicating. According to a University of Florida study conducted by Victor Harris, communication promotes commitment, trust, and intimacy- 3 key componesnts in a healthy relationship.
ReplyDeleteI think one of the biggest issues in dating and mating would be location, the future country or place of residence for an interracial couple. I say this because people draw strength in numbers. Although in America, Caucasian American is still the dominant culture, there are still a substantial number of American citizens from different ethnic groups. People will be able to find others that they can relate to racially or culturally. However, if there were a couple and one partner was European American and the other was Asian American and neither wanted to live in America, I can see why living in either Europe or Asia would be a problem for each respective partner. I think that it is important for interracial couples to find a place where neither person would feel marginalized or feel like an outcast and where the two (or more) different cultures and races in the relationship would be celebrated in their country of residence. Relating this to this week’s reading as well, if children were to come into the picture, I think it is important to expose children to each aspect of their multiracial identity and allow the children the option to identify with each group if they so choose.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, the greatest obstacle in interracial relationships is the differing expectations stemming from the distinct cultural backgrounds of each individual. Culture and the ensuing belief systems are so deeply embedded within individuals that love itself is insufficient to bridge the gap, as Shelling and Smith outlined in their book. The differing expectations that result from each culture in the relationship are bound to create unfulfilled wants on both sides due to sheer dissimilarity. Because unfulfilled desires lead to disappointment and frustration, and disappointment and frustration over a prolonged period can trigger a breaking point in a relationship, I believe that contrasting cultural expectations between two people is the most concerning obstacle to their success.
ReplyDeleteMy greatest concern would be couples who are unable to learn to understand each other's differences. I believe that this problem encompasses the general problem of trying to act "colorblind" in the relationship, and pretend that the differences in culture have no effect on the relationship. It is incredibly important that both persons in the relationship recognize differences in their upbringing and expectations of the future of their relationship. Without looking at the possible differences that could cause tension in the relationship, it will be much harder to begin to understand and accept the other's differences. I wish that I could say love will conquer all, but these differences will ultimately cause enough stress on the relationship that it will be unhealthy to stay together. I think it's very important that people in an interracial relationship work to identify such problems and find potential feasible solutions to practice so that their relationship has a strong base to continue on.
ReplyDeleteShelling and Fraser-Smith highlight several topics of great concern in analyzing the social practice of dating and mating across cultures. Out of the issues listed, learning to understand and respect each other’s differences in terms of family backgrounds and cultures seems to be one of the most challenging and substantial aspect in analyzing dating across cultures. This is because the dating builds upon the experience past of two or more individuals, and thus, to analyze relationships the present condition must be contextualized by the past.
ReplyDeleteMy greatest concern would be for couples to be able to embrace and compromise with each other's cultures. Because everyone is brought up from a different background, their context varies greatly and as a result, their ability to relate can become an issue. For example, how children are raised vary greatly within a certain cultural context, and between different races make them vary so much more and can really become an issue with couples who interracially date. With issues that are less pertinent, I do not really think this will be an issue but with critical topics, I do think it will become a challenge they need to learn to overcome.
ReplyDeleteI disagree with the statement that interracial couples, in this generation particularly, have to be stronger that non-interracial couples. I firmly believe that each relationship presents it’s own challenges and that differences in cultural and racial backgrounds are simply one of many challenges a couple could face. To answer the prompt however, from experience being in an interracial relationship, and from talking to my friends in such relationships, I argue that the issue which is of greatest concern in interracial relationships is “ “their differing family backgrounds.” As this generation has been socialized differently than that of our parents there is often conflicting views on the topic of interracial dating. I spoke with one of my friends who is currently in an interracial relationship about this prompt and she replied “I don’t think that my relationship necessarily has to be stronger than anybody else’s, I just have to handle different challenges. I have to come to terms with the fact that I will never know my boyfriend’s family in the way that he knows mine, because they aren’t accepting of my racial background” She explained to me that his grandparents are very set in the idea of nation building and in his culture elders are highly respected, therefore he cannot introduce her to his grandparents. She went on to explain that while his parents are less set in the idea of nation building, they are still uncomfortable with the relationship because of their socialization and, I hypothesize, a bit of cognitive dissonance. She noted that while she is disappointed that she will never be accepted by his family, this problem only affects a small aspect of their relationship, and as they love each other, that is all that matters. One of the exciting elements in a serious relationship, to me, is the ability to share it with the people that I love, and as in this situation, that option is occluded by differences in cultural backgrounds and familial social beliefs. However, as illustrated by my friend’s experiences the most important piece of the relationship is the love between the two people in it regardless of all external factors.
ReplyDeleteI think the issue of learning to understand and respect cultural differences is of greatest concern when dating and mating across cultural lines. Being able to acknowledge aspects of my own culture and keep an open line of communication with my partner regarding their culture is a skill that I have found to be important when in a relationship. I think people have intersectional identities made up of many “blotches” of identity (including aspects of their cultures) that intersect. One way I attempt to respect cultural differences is by gaining an understanding of some of the things that are included in the different blotches of my partner’s identity and learning where these identities overlap. For me, taking the time to incorporate knowledge of a person’s culture into an overall understanding of that person’s identity helps me to respect the ways in which our cultures are similar and different. With this knowledge, I am able to be more in tune with different aspects of my partner’s identity (e.g. family background, cultural practices) and further connect with them while better resolving any conflicts that come up. Therefore, another reason I think an understanding and respect of cultural differences/similarities is of greatest concern is because it is helpful in tackling many of the issues faced by intercultural couples such as disapproval from parents or rejection by strangers on the street.
ReplyDeleteFrom my personal experience with relationships – both interracial/intercultural and non-interacial/non-intercultural – I have found Shelling and Smith's thesis of acting upon more than "just love" to maintain a relationship to be very true in all cases, even in non-interacial relationships. As a tangent, I feel I may disagree with their given definition of of "love", but following their argument, I would say the issue of "differing expectations" would be my greatest concern while analyzing intercultural relationships. I find that even within a non-interracial relationship, differing expectations encompass a variety of issues. Expectations, by definition, are subtlety, or virtually not, communicated, and therefore become even harder to analyze in a case of differing cultures – where cultures shape expectations.
ReplyDeleteI feel that out of the above issues, the most concerning would be finding solutions to conflicts and creating things that can be enjoyed and celebrated together. This pertains not only to interracial couples, but to all couples. Many times, a relationship can grow stale if the couple does not have enough shared interests that create opportunities to spend time and happiness together. As a subset of this, I think differing expectations is a conflict that is present in many relationships -- both interracial and intraracial. However, it can be even more of an issue with interracial relationships because differing cultures leads to an exaggeration of this conflict and can also lead to more widely differing lifestyles.
ReplyDeleteA major source of concern would be different family backgrounds. Our families form a large part of who we are, they introduce us to our cultures when we are young, they teach certain values and they help shape our socialization as well as our world view. With this in mind, differing family backgrounds especially among intercultural couples can cause clashes of values and beliefs among couples and can be a major challenge in the relationship. As explored in the Interracial Dating in College study, families can sometimes be a source of opposition to intercultural and interracial dating so this could also add greater challenges to the relationship.
ReplyDeleteAfter reviewing the above issues and reflecting upon them, I feel that most concerning issues would be the difference in family backgrounds and culture. In many relationships, it can be hard to keep things strong and love alone is not enough to keep two people together. Regardless of whether individuals are in an interracial relationships or not, the family that an individual comes from and the culture they’re raised in plays a critical role in their relationship. While it’s very easy for someone to acknowledge the aspects of their own culture and familial background, it can be challenging to accept and compromise with a partner’s cultural and familial beliefs. On top of that, there is also the factor of acceptance and approval by one’s family. Sometimes, the family of an individual in a relationship may not accept their son or daughter’s partner because their culture may conflict with that of the family or they don’t meet expectations. As a result, it can be a challenge to pick sides between choosing love and choosing family. My belief is that if you come into agreement with your own cultural and familial values and respect your partners, then the relationship will become easier to maintain. Even though one’s family may not be accepting at first, family opinions can change overtime especially if one makes the effort to compromise.
ReplyDeleteOf the above issues, their differing family backgrounds would cause the greatest concern. Family serves as such a strong barrier against interracial dating (and going against the norm in general) due to its duality as social identity and personal identity. Sometimes, the suppressive ‘societal’ forces come from those who we love and cherish: our parents. Going against your parents – your role models growing up – serves to cause a significant emotional rift between the two romantic partners. Not only would one have to worry about the social stigma from parents, but also the loss of personal identity. Oftentimes, if a person’s set of beliefs conflicts with those of their family, they may often feel alienated. This alienation can be extremely detrimental because of the significance of parents; they reflect your past. In contrast, your romantic partner represents the future. When the time comes, a person must choose their priorities; should they dawdle in the past or embrace their future.
ReplyDeleteAfter thinking about each of the 4 vital topics of difference, I believe that the "difference in family backgrounds" would probably be the greatest concern in a relationship across cultures. In different cultures, families have different expectations for their children and many envision different futures for their children as well. In a lot of cases, dating across cultures does not usually fall on the exact path that the families had in mind, and therefore can cause a lot of issues. Also, when two very different cultures are put together, there could be differences in the way they show each other respect, or the way they communicate. When and if family members do not approve of their son's or daughter's partner, it makes it very hard to enjoy the relationship. Family issues, in my opinion, are the hardest to work with and overcome.
ReplyDeleteOf the four problems listed, I believe I would personally find the difference in expectations to be the most difficult to manage in an intercultural relationship. I come from a family that that does not celebrate any sense of our ethnicity, has no tie to religion, and are loyal to one another yet recognize ourselves as independent individuals. Consequently, I have been socialized to have very self constructed, unconstrained expectations for my life and am not at all acquainted with the idea of having my family or culture dictate my ambitions. This quality of myself may cause conflict with a partner who does strongly identify with certain spiritualities or cultures and whose expectations are partially predetermined by their background. I imagine I might resist their notion that they do not have choice over all of the decisions in their life, but I take pride in my open mind and am sure I would allow my partner to live their life as they wanted.
ReplyDeleteI think the difference I would find most challenging to deal with out of the above options would be that of expectations. Differences in upbringing can definitely be worked through with time, patience, and compromise, but relationships where the two partners want different things out of said relationship almost never work out. It is hard to feel resentment toward a partner for having been raised differently than oneself, but it is all to easy to do so for the failure to realize one's expectations. In any relationship, intercultural or not, neither partner will be happy if there is no clear consensus on what the relationship should stand for and what each person wants to get out of it. Differences in upbringing are no different than someone being a Democrat of Republican- those differences can be set aside more easily in a relationship than differences about the relationship's future, such as whether to have kids or not. Overall, I don't think many of the issues that intercultural couples face are any different than the problems of any other relationship.
ReplyDeleteI feel that differing family backgrounds would pose the greatest challenge in interracial relationships. The way a person is raised by their family usually contributes hugely to their expectations in relationships as well as how they view various issues related to relationships. Two partners who come from different family backgrounds will naturally have much different expectations and opinions when it comes to relationships, making it a bit more difficult to establish a harmony. However, this obstacle can easily be overcome by respecting each other's different backgrounds, and talking things out. These differences could actually be healthy for the relationship because of the greater communication.
ReplyDeleteLauryn Hayashi
ReplyDeleteI personally believe that the greatest challenge to an interracial relationship would be cultural differences. Out of the concerns listed, cultural differences has the greatest impact on shaping one's ideals and opinions. In an interracial relationship, the two people will have to try to compromise on their opinions when making life-changing decisions. Many different cultures also have different expectations on relationships. For example, some people may expect their partner to go along with many of their cultural customs because they are getting married. I believe that it is very difficult to change one's opinions in adulthood. People have grown up believing in certain things and it is difficult to force others to change their beliefs to match their partner's.
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ReplyDeleteI would advise couples who are dating interfaith, to beware of the possible alienation they might experience within their relationship due to their differing belief systems. As was stated in the excerpt by Strauss, interfaith dating can create issues within the relationship and I think a major issue can be want of a sense of intimacy that comes with being united in faith/ beliefs which interfaith couples may not have. However, as long as they respect each other's beliefs, they can compensate for this possible alienation by relying on and strengthening the remaining aspects of their relationship where they are united. I would also advise the couples notably if one of them is a Christian, to prepare themselves for the possible opposition to their relationship they might face due to the strong emphasis Christian theology and other religions place on not dating interfaith (Smith and Hattery, P. 117).
ReplyDelete